What if I told you it was entirely possible to be physically close to another human being, to enjoy that close contact with another person, and to be fully present in that moment without it turning into anything sexual or inappropriate? Well it is! And that is part of the beauty of Kizomba! Learning how to separate non-sexual (but pleasant) human contact from sexual contact is difficult in our American culture that is paradoxically hyper-sexed but at the same time sexually repressed, and yet learning to do so is what truly enables us to “connect” with each other, and brings a level of peace, happiness, and harmony that has turned many of us into Kizomba addicts!
Unfortunately, the word “connection” is tossed around so much by folks who don’t truly understand what connection really means. Some of these folks try to use Kizomba as a “stand-in” for a romantic, sexual, or other type of relationship, and some equate “connection” with physical attraction, for instance. But therein lies a problem. The “connection” one enjoys in Kizomba in its purest form is NOT a romantic or sexual one, as Kizomba is at its core a family dance. Many of us are able to enjoy close contact and connection with family members with few issues, but struggle with close contact to non-family members. And some of us enter the dance scene because we’re looking to either “tap into a new market” of the opposite sex (or same-sex of course), or we’re looking to have more romantic success in the dance world than we had in the real world, and this thirsty vibe can create issues for those who are just looking to dance and have good clean fun (or slightly naughty fun that stays on the dance floor)! And though I understand that being in a community of adults who share common passions (such as dance), romantic interactions will occur, and that can be a beautiful thing (hell it happened to me!), the really thirsty “meat market” vibe that is prevalent in some dance scenes is dangerous to the healthy growth of the community long-term, and is something we do NOT want to see happen with Kizomba!
We would hate to see dancers stop dancing when they start dating someone, or to see folks who are already married or in relationships hesitate to try Kizomba because they fear that the close contact inherent to Kizomba might cause strain or issues in their relationship, or misconstrue the close hold of Kizomba as something inherently inappropriate for someone who is taken. It is entirely possible to enjoy dancing Kizomba/Semba (and other dances) without jeopardizing any current relationships.
In fact, dancing Kizomba can help us learn to set proper boundaries. For instance, I’m in a very happy relationship, and yet I enjoy connecting with others on the dance floor (and off the dance floor). When dancing, I enjoy the close contact, as it’s basically a hug (unless the person is funky, but we work hard to discourage such things at our events lol), but I set boundaries. So, even if I’m dancing with a hot young thang that isn’t Monica (such as Mitali, Chelsea, and Melissa the ladies in the pic), I’m able to enjoy the connection for what it is, and set boundaries as to what it’s not, so I stay out of trouble. So I enjoy some awesome connected dances (and maybe a lil tasteful Tarraxinha mixed in here and there heh heh), and then I go home with my woman and all is well! The Kizomba connection is NOT a “stand-in” for relationships of any sort, but is an awesome complement to your current relationships and will add value to your life whether you have no friends or 100, whether you’re single or happily married!
So what does “connection” mean in the context of Kizomba? It’s what happens when two dancers experience trust, respect, relaxation, and presence in the moment on the social dance floor, and therein have a supremely enjoyable dance. And a dancer who understands what connection truly means and how to “set the stage”, as it were, will be able to connect with almost ANYONE on the social dance floor, regardless of looks, size, background, or relationship status. Want to learn more about connection and become part of an awesome community (and get TONS of free hugs)? Check out our weekly classes on Tuesdays at 7:30 (Instructor permission required) and Wednesdays at 8:00 at Sonia’s World of Dance (5535 Richmond Ave), or you can check out our app Kizomba To Go™ which has been downloaded in 80+ COUNTRIES at www.kizombatogo.com! For more info about Kizomba Harmony check out our website at www.kizombaharmony.com or our Facebook Fanpage at www.facebook.com/KizombaHarmony! See you all on the dance floor soon!
Thoughtful post,
Sometimes I feel aroused when I dance with some girls (bachata) and I don’t want this as I am married.
So what advice you give me to overcome this?
Thanks for commenting NIzar. I completely understand where you’re coming from. The trick is to stop associating close contact with sexual/romantic contact, and it takes time. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with finding other people attractive, we’re built that way, but we must make sure not to act on it. You can admire art without desiring to possess it, know what I mean? You simply must learn to set and respect your mental boundaries, and therein learn to control your arousal over time. Then you’ll be able to enjoy holding beautiful women close (and they are all beautiful) without feeling guilty or feeling like you’ve crossed a line, and you can’t beat that! Let me know if you have any more questions!
Thank you for the reply , and We can learn to appreciate beauty without having the desire to possess it
If I may comment on the above: I really appreciate and respect that Nizar asked such an honest question and the beautiful answer Billy gave. I have respect for all of that. Truly. Appreciating the dialogue.
Very nice post. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Thanks a bunch.
I also adore Kizomba Dance. Kizomba can help you feel closer to your spouse or partner, because Kizomba’s sensual movements and dancing styles makes it the perfect hobby for partners, whether it may be spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends, or any other types of relationships.
Agreed Kizomba tanz, it can be an excellent hobby for couples (but also for single folks of course 🙂 )
Not comfortable with my wife’s chest against another man’s chest when dancing kizomba. She loves to dance but this is difficult for me. I know she has no intention but to have fun but I don’t trust others. I think it is wrong for a lady to do something that may excite someone else weather she means to or not is not right.
Lee, I think it is very important here not to place blame on women for the arousal, excitement, etc. of other men. A lady could be walking down the street in a garbage bag and still arouse some men. You have to trust your wife. People hug all the time, and yes that includes chest contact. There is an issue here where sometimes as men we overly sexualize and objectify the female body without even thinking about it. Trust that your wife will honor her vows to you, trust that she will stop dancing with any man who is being inappropriate. But I believe you should really work on the insecurity that is the core of your feeling here. Showing your wife that you trust her and are secure in your marriage can only lead to a deeper and stronger connection in your relationship.